It comes down to a matter of architecture.
I had not been to the States in about two or three years, and even then it was on the blind movement of a Greyhound bus, where I was unable to see much except for the taillights of passing cars and the
halogen halo’s of overhead street lights. It had be a long, long time since I had driven down in a car. It had been an even longer time since I can remember taking the side roads instead of the interstates.
My girlfriend and I were driving down to visit some of my relatives in Rhode Island and at the last minute we decided to get off the New York Thruway and take the minor roots. It was our second day of
driving. On our first day, we had been stalled up in Canada by a flat tire. So up until the morning of the second, our trip through the states had been at night. It was on that bright an clear morning, driving out of Schenectady, New York, that we had both begun to notice the difference in the architecture.
In Canada, especially in Southern Ontario, there is a general pattern of movement. People come here; they move to the cities and rent a house or an apartment. They save money, and when they have enough, they put a down payment on a house of their own. They live there for a while, usually in a neighbourhood of a similar ethnic background. They raise a family, and then, either they, or their children, sell the house and move further out of the city, usually into an area with a similar ethnic background. This time however, they don’t move into the house on the property they just bought. They instead tear down the house and build a new one.
This is where the major difference is. In the States, from my travels and experiences there, when someone moves out from a city and onto a property where they want to settle, they do not usually demolish the house that is already there. They renovate it, they add to it, they change the colour, and perhaps the trim, but they do not usually tear it down. When they want to start a business, they don’t turn their 4-story, 200 year old Georgian into a parking lot. They simply they make minor adjustments to the interior and hang a sign out front.
What does this difference have to with Canada’s survival as a country?
Everything. Americans keeping the old houses and buildings, and consciously or not, it gives them a sense of continuity, a connection to the past. You can feel it when you walk down the close streets of New York’s little Italy, or tour through the old bank buildings of Boston. Unlike us, Americans don’t like a clean slate, they prefer to simply add the old one. As a result, the wooden, brick and stone faces of history are everywhere to remind them of who they are and where they came from.
Canada is not a young country. One of, if not the oldest street in North America runs along the waterfront of Saint John’s Newfoundland. We are considered young because we look it. We do not wish to keep our historical landmarks. Instead we prefer to tear the drafty, dated, things down and put up something bigger and more expensive looking. As a result, the area where I live, just north of Toronto,
once an old quaint neighbourhood, has steadily become a neighbourhood of pocket-sized mansions, all with about as much character as your average big box shopping plaza. In Toronto, a small group of
preservationists had to fight tooth and nail to stop the powers that be from demolishing the old city hall when they were building the new one.
This desire to wipe the slate clean, to start again, results only with a general disregard for our own past. Ford might have said “history is bunk” but it is us Canadians who habitually practice what he preached.
This lack of respect for our old architecture is representative of a great national apathy that pervades Canada on many levels. How may of us vote? How many of us can remember being taught a decent
lesson in Canadian history when we were in school? How many have us have travelled much in Canada? How many of us care?
This apathy has spread to the younger generations as well. Children today have no real concept of what Canada is. I have personally witnessed this myself. A 10-year-old student of mine knew who George Washington was, but couldn’t tell me who John A. Macdonald was. Another student thought that Toronto was in New York. It’s hard to believe this, but to our very young, Canada is not a country.
I wish I could offer some easy solution for our predicament, but there is none, especially when most of us don’t really care one way or the other. Like an Alzheimer patient, we are perfectly happy in our own softly fading world, ourselves completely oblivious to what we are losing.
Even if I was to show you, how many would care that we are losing our country, our history? How can I convince you that you are suffering, when you sit on your plump leather couches in front of your wide screen TV’s? How I can make you realize the importance of what we are losing when you have more than you need?
Perhaps I can’t.
Maybe the only way that people will learn of the greatness of our country is when we lose the more obvious characteristics of our country, like gun control and health care. It frightens me to think that having a gun to our heads or having to use a credit card when we visit the family doctor are the only things that will wake us from our deep, peaceful slumbers.
But before that happens, I can offer you some preventative advice: if and when you do get a chance to move onto an older property, think twice about demolishing the history that is already there.
Sometimes there are developments from one type to another. For example, some of the “Don’t grab my ass” gals mature into Divas. Oh, that the Shock Jocks would ever become Buddhists. Could it be that their misogyny stems from an inability to find love? But how can they find love if they alienate every chick within earshot? Who wants to go home, let alone out for coffee, with Mr. Rape Fantasy?
Ha, true.
But the question is…which one(s) are you?
I am all for protests, being a rebellious loud mouth, But would you please base it on history prior to the time of your birth? It would engage a larger audience and make for a riviting banter!!
No way. I’ve heard enough from Baby Boomers to last the rest of my damn life. Time for the Children of the Sixties to shut up and let our voices be heard.
YO MAN! WHAT’YA THINKIN’
It’s great to see so many pictures of people approving of Sadam and his son, whose international known violence towards his own people, ie kurds, (ever heard of them??) and P.O.W’S. I would have wished Hitler to be alive. Oh, how he would have been so much more adored. Let the love flow!!! HEIL!!
Most of us are beyond this petty binary thinking, thank God. Read a book. Try Ignatieff’s _The Rights Revolution_ (only $16.95!) and then contemplate the morality of first strike. As for the Kurds, why don’t you go ask one what he or she thinks of their relatives being bombed by Canada? There are lots of Iraqis in Canada; they don’t need you to decide if their home country needs to be bombed. As Canadians, however, the protestors here have a civic and moral responsibility to make their opinions heard by the Canadian government.
Have you met ignateiff?? ). Have you tuned into radio stations? Listened to callers, some of whom are from iraq?? Some of whom want sadaam out, some of whom … well, why not tune on/in or Are all radio stations subversive?? All rightist??
Hello,
Enjoyed the article.
Find the photo of bush and blair kissing, strange. What is it trying to say? Oh by the way, what does binary thinking mean?
Terrorism, is an ideal not somebody named Saddam Hussein. We can cut the arms off of Saddam, but if we cut the arms off of Terrorism they are sure to grow back. Saddam is not the end all, be all to Terrorism. That is of course if this was about Terrorism. George W. is all bunged up over the price of Oil, he and his supporters should factor in the price of blood.
Does north america need the middle east oil?
Canada has an vertually untapped oil market in alberta not to mention n.w.t.
The u.s. is sending a pipeline from alaska.
Europe has the north sea oil.
Bush in his speach said he is giving money to find alternatives to oil.
No one in their right mind wants to have a war. This is not the issue.
What’s it really about??
Is it really about oil?
It’s irrelevant if I have personal acquaintance with Michael Ignatieff. This kind of questioning just illustrates an intellectual vacuum, as does the arrogant pen-name of “We Don’t Need No Education”. Ignatieff is a fair and reasonable man, as his pro-America article in _Granta_ (_What We Think of America_)attests. (Many of the others seemed mean-spirited to me.) I don’t think he would depart from his thinking of 2000 so far as to justify the first strike bombing of a sovreign nation. If I’m wrong, tell me where I can find the quote.
Listening to radio callers is not the same as meeting, talking with and working with Iraqis, as I do. As for your reluctance to see the obvious,
there is a difference between condemning war, especially the probable murder of non-combatants, and supporting an unjust political regime.
hi dorothy,
thanks for responding to my questions. For someone (who I misjudged as a pacifist) responded with an attack. yikes!! I hope that you are able to release any hostility that was expressed in your response.
If this war is not about Oil. If this attack is about attaining peace, and all the rest of that bullshit that George W. Bush painstakingly tries to pronounce in his speeches, he is really doing a good job of convincing us considering 80% of his national budget is going to military financing, while education, health, and the environment all get left in the wind. Fine we can sit back cross our arms and let the US attack Iraq but then two years from now we will scratch our heads and wonder why a 767 smashed into the Sears Tower in Chicago.
Wow, what a hot button. Here’s the problem I see, Saddam is a bad guy. I mean you wouldn’t find many people contest that. The problem is that we didn’t take him out when we knew he was bad. When he gassed his own people, we increased his funding. When we ended the last war and the people that we had trained to help fight him wanted their weapons back to defend themselves, we refused and allowed Saddam to massacre them. And speaking of the last time we attacked to Saddam, we really botched that one by not just taking him out then. I mean if we were really thinking he was so bad, why didn’t we take him out? But it’s hard to say Saddam is a good guy. However, it also seems that we are not going in for the “right” reasons because if we were we could have done this over a decade ago. Also, financially, it’s bad time for America to go to war. But really, I have trouble with this war, not because I think Saddam should stay in power, but because I think we’re going to war at the wrong time and for the wrong reasons.
I just wanted to say I partially agree on all sides. I don’t want war. I don’t believe this “war” is about oil. I also think sadly that the comment about Hitler is probably correct.
Well if people are so sure that there is going to be some resolve when the attack comes full circle, let me direct your attention to the country that everyone seems to have forgotten about. Afghanistan. Thanks to CNN and Bush the focus is now completely on Iraq, the media and the public motif has concluded that all is done in Afghanistan. Brush off the hands, dust yourself off, move on. Wrong! If you will excuse the euphamism, the US took a giant shit on Afghanistan and did not bother to wipe. The majority of infrastracture has been obliterated, and people are still under oppression, and Bin Laden is still “WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE”..Remember that? But never mind, like I said let’s just move on and take a giant shit on Iraq that way things will be all rosy and red again.
Rocco, beautiful story. Love the pic’s. Sorry I missed it :(
Thanks for your responses, and please excuse the serious syntax errors in my article. I wrote it in a hurry. Most important for me in this US-Iraq issue, more than what the whole thing is about, or if it is wrote or wrong, is whether we, as a world, can curb the whims and wants of the newest empire. Whether Americans agree or not, they are an empire. Rome and Britain before them, did whatever they please, with no thought of what consequences their actions would have on the rest of the world, and for the most part, the rest of the world could do nothing. Now, again we have reached a point where the American empire, wants to do something that much of the world doesn’t want, for whatever reasons. Now, we have a chance to change that, as a world. We have a chance to stop them. If we can do this, through the UN or not, I beleive we will enter into a new age of world development, where the nations and empires will operate as one.
Gotta run
Rocco
Dear Sir,
I have read your reponse and don’t know quite what to write. I think i will start with … having not read the coles notes version of history, and noticing that most of the comments seem to lack one major thing. good vs bad or bad vs good. These are not simply casting dispersions on people. Society justifies these very opposite “things” because of someone’s history, a group history, a countries history. I think also history in itself is very gray with the commentors. they are limited in times lines.
LISTEN FOLKS, LEARN HISTORY it’s so much more riviting, having conversations with educated people rather than taking pot shots at children, probably no older than 30 years.
by the by What is the average age of the commentators by the way? I wan’t
We tend to have a lot of “armchair quarterbacks” out there that believe they have all of the answers. The fact is, we don’t. It’s not a perfect world and there are no pat answers.
For those that believe the USA are the aggressors, I’ve often asked myself whether or not I could count on them (protesters) if I were being physically attacked or would they simply walk away believing their peaceful “non-involvement” was the answer. There IS evil in this world and sometimes that evil can only be dealt with by threats of force –evil knows no other way. That evil will continually push the envelope which, in and of itself, sends a message to others that it is okay.
Let’s face it folks, we have to set limits with our children. We have to set limits in the workplace. We have to set limits in the community. Why believe that limits are inappropriate in the International community?
Please also remember that the US has done nothing, at this point, other than remind the International governing authorities that they have allowed Saddam to breach rules and regulations set down for the safety of the world. Rules that were agreed to by all involved (including France). What does God tell us to do? You first go to the offender and if the offender doesn’t listen you go to the governing body.
I’m shocked at some of the discussion I see when it comes to the same plight of human life. Saddam is a man that has no respect for life and has proven that over and over again through torture and murder — no one has been immune, not even his own family. Should this be allowed to continue? I say no. I don’t think any of our government officials in the US want to see anyone die. Quite the contrary, they are doing everything humanly possible to stop the suffering. At some point, the line has to be drawn because whether or not you want to believe it, Saddam is torturing and killing more and more people every day. The longer we bicker about it the more blood we have on our hands — the WHOLE INTERNATIONAL COMMUNITY!
The longer it is allowed to go on, the more power is gained by those that wouldn’t even blink an eye over our (the rest of the world) demise.
“Armchair Quarterbacks” huh? Well I could call you an “Armchair Quarterback” as well because really you have done nothing different than venture an opinion, which is what everyone is doing on here. I really see no fault in that, even if I disagree with someone I respect their opinion and their willingness at discussion. Be perplexed at some of the opinions here, but at the same time have some optimism for humanity given the fact that people even have an opinion about what is going on. As for your opinion that the evil will end once the US valliantly leads the “Coalition Of The Willing” into the battlefield, this is a front on which I cannot be so opitimistic. Afghanistan is still one big mess, and the US, or rather Bush and Co. can breath easy right now that the attention is diverted to Iraq. If there is a mess still in Afghanistan what makes you think that everything will all settledown? After Iraq then what? North Korea, a country that has nuclear weapons, and has gone as far as saying “Land your troops here, and that is considered an act of war?” This is the path to peaceful resolve? Well God help those that will be on that path.
Dear Jason,
At one point you say that history is “very gray with the commenters” then you critisize me for not knowing enough. Not enough of the history that agrees with your world view, I suppose. For you as well, it is probably more “riviting” to having a discussion with someone who shares exactly the same views as yourself. I can only imagine the excitement of that conversation. If I have a distrust of the present superpower it is because they don’t know enough of their own history to keep track of their lies. Why do think the Bush administration is having such a hard time making people believe there motive for war? Because myself and others are no longer willing to swallow the garbage. This disbeleif was there in the 1991, when an American PR company was paid $10,000,000 to fabricate the story about the Iraqi soldiers killing babies. Without that lie, Operation Desert storm would have had serious problems getting of the ground. After that, it was a month of Tom Brokaw and NBC bragging about the so-called accuracy of the Patriot missles that ended up killing 250,000 innocent civilians. You know, you’re right: history is riviting.
Why is all this happening? To remove the threat of a possible anthrax attack? To save the Iraqi people? Please….Saddam is no potential Hitler, he is a despot, a twitchy store supervisor who Bush wants to retire for another, and wipe out all the German, French, Chinese, and Russian oil claims while he’s at it.
And don’t pride yourself too much on your age either. When it comes to older people and war, I think Wifred Owen said it best:
“The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est
Pro patria mori.”
“Terrorism, is an ideal not somebody named Saddam Hussein. We can cut the arms off of Saddam, but if we cut the arms off of Terrorism they are sure to grow back. Saddam is not the end all, be all to Terrorism. That is of course if this was about Terrorism. George W. is all bunged up over the price of Oil, he and his supporters should factor in the price of blood.
Posted by Valentino Assenza at February 19, 2003 11:51 AM ”
So what you are saying is leave them alone. Well where exactly should we begin. Whom do we go after. Your comment is pure rhetoric. It shows no originality at all. You poor little lemming. I get sick and tired of listening to protesters thinking they know everything. They preach individuality yet they follow a doctrine of narrow unity.They are right and everyone else is wrong. They chant matras that have been handed to them. Most do no research into what they are protesting and have no clue concerning all issues of their chosen subject of protest. They have no concept of duality. Not everything is onesided; infact most things are not. It’s not black and white. There are always underlying issues that govern the choices governments make. And most citizens are not, and should not be privy to. Before you protest something please…please save yourself embarasment and others the wasted time of having to read dribble such as yours; and do some serious reshearch into your subject. Stop listening to only those that support your narrow view and listen to those that don’t as well. How can one be objective if they don’t know both sides? Objectivity, is after all, the one thing that infers credibility to words.
Speaking of originality, nothing you’ve stated is is something new to this site. Speaking of credibility where are your facts?
You would think that with all the financial and corporate backing, the teams of experts, the military rank and files, an arsenal of military experts at your disposal, and a president to boot, that pro-war fanatics would be a little more secure in their stance. But even will all this might behind Lee Leitner, there’s that one little sliver of doubt about how right she is. And so she stoops to grade school name calling.
Bravo.
Please, I beg you don’t hit and run. We are as you say, an ignorant herd of lemmings. Bestow upon us, if you might, your benevolent wisdom and knowledge of this complex situation we know nothing about. But wait, what’s that? We are not privy to it?
Looks like we have a politician here, or an irretrievable idiot, tangled up in her own prime-time dogma.
It’s funny thing about these armchair soldiers. They laud the bombing of a civilization in the name of freedom, but as soon as someone exercizes this freedom through the expression of ideas contrary to their own, they call it mindless rhetoric.
What these UI motivational speakers don’t mention is that in a capitalist society, there will never be enough jobs for each employment-aged person. The unemployment rate only drops in a good economy – it is never eradicated completely. Thus, being unemployed does not make one an undermotivated loser but rather a very normal product of a capitalist economy. Until we come up with a better system that can provide work for all, we need to start treating our unemployed with more respect and stop confusing personal failure with what is in fact a systemic failure.
Perhaps a little investigation into Canada’s history would have informed you that Canada is a very young country. There aren’t very many buildings 200 years old and even if there are they are usually restored. Furthermore, according to your logic about architecture, the way we are constantly changing our landscape, building upon it, and changing our perspective makes us a resiliant nation. People need to move forward not backwards.
Niiiiice Rocco. It’s really great to know that next time you’re in the room and I take the stage, you’ll be standing in judgement and labelling me.
Now keep in mind Paisely that this was at a time when the poetry crowd was taking itself a little two seriously. And I could never judge you Paisely, you have no pretense.
Aw, thanks Rocco.
I was just, er “joking”, as the young kids are calling it these days. I do actually agree with you on it though. But if you listen to people as they perform over the years, I think most of the poets and performers I know have gone through several of those stages. I guess it’s a matter of trying on hats until you find one that fits and looks good on you.
yay! i’m not any of these.
…am i?
hey wait a minute, i’ve never been like that.
oh well, maybe.
berry funny.
i hope t.o. is not too cold these days.
r and the c and the we slow ski
btw
favourite music is not kid rock or aerosmith
judas priest and acdc and iron maiden
TITLE: Day of Hope
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
CONVERT BREAKS: __default__
ALLOW PINGS: 1
PRIMARY CATEGORY:
BODY:
In a window, above a Chinese takeout restaurant, stood a man and his little boy. The window was small and exhaust-stained, but we could see well enough that they were both looking down on what was happening below, and smiling. Below them, taking up the width of the street, was a river of people. A cheering crowd of demonstrators, waving signs, banging drums and clanging symbols, walked, strolled and danced under the little boy and his father.
We had run up onto the second floor of a parking garage to get a better look at the demonstrators. Dundas Street, usually at this time, droning loudly with cars and trucks, was ringing with the clamour of voices and music. From our spot on the second floor, across from the window where the father and son were, we could see signs clearly. Here are what some of them read:
Peace Now!
OIL FUELS WAR
Make Love Not War
Stop the Sanctions on Iraq
and
Only Dumb People Drop Smart Bombs
Some of the signs were small, and some were large enough that they had to be carried by three or four people. Some of the signs were colourful and loud while others were black and white and urgent.
It was easy for us to understand the signs, but then I wondered what the boy in the window understood, and if not, how his father would explain what was going on below. It made me happy to think of my own explanation to child. About how the people below, with their signs and drums, were there because they didn’t want another group of people thousands of miles away, people they had never met or seen, to die in war. And how these things, demonstrations like this, were happening all over the world in order to tell the men who wanted this war, to stop.
Months before February 15, I had all but forgotten what is was like to witness caring and love. I had been too saturated with words like “imminent” and “inevitable” to feel anything. I even had my reservations about the coming to the protest. But then I watched the little boy run from the window and return moments later with a piece of paper, a sign of his own, and pushed it up against his window, it made me feel something I hadn?t felt in a long while: the hope to change.
On walking back to the subway, I overheard a young teenage girl talking “Today was beautiful,” she said. “It totally rekindled my hope in mankind.”
I think every one of us felt the same way.
To all the 30 million people who made it out on Feb 15, I’d like to say thanks.
EXTENDED BODY:
EXCERPT:
KEYWORDS:
Canada is young and it will last. It is America light, as it is a socialist country, and has improved on the american system by learning from our mistakes. Canada will fare better the States simply because less people will kill from desperation.
The war, our latest red headed step child, is serious and tragic, but it the large picture of the world today, has small implications compared to keeping oil prices flowing. The covert handshakes between civilized nations in the 90’s ensured that America would do the dirty work, and reap the largest benefit. However, she was not truly alone when she started, just the figurehead. All the kavetching in the world will not convince me of anything different unless all those range rovers start to run on corn oil.
As an American having lived in several different nations, I find the Canadian way the most evolved to date. The understated assumption that people know better, and the expectation that they will act accordingly, will prevail. Please, native canucks, travel around a bit, then come home and defend this place with words, brains and perhaps a bit more gnp. Peace, books and maple syrup.
Not all of the buildings in the City of Toronto are torn down. A lot of them use the exisitng facades like in the American example and add to them. (albeit most of the cases are lofts) As far as our political system being more developed than the U.S., well i’d tend to disagree with that, as our politcal system is more representative to that of England and other commonwealth countries (well the ones that use the parliamentary system)
TITLE: A cross-section of the poetry scene
STATUS: Publish
ALLOW COMMENTS: 1
CONVERT BREAKS: __default__
ALLOW PINGS: 1
PRIMARY CATEGORY:
BODY:
I’ve been exploring poetry scenes for some time now, and over the years I have noticed patterns in kinds of poets who frequent the venues. When I close my eyes, these patterns shape themselves into caricatures. I think that all the poets I have met and listened to over the years are a healthy blend of all of these figures. They are as follows:
1. The Virgin
2. The Diva
3. The Devo
4. The Feminist
5. The B-Boy
6. The Anti-Christians
7. The Shock Jock
8. The Buddhist.
1. The Virgin:
Brief Description: If female, accompanied by mother, or really huggy group of girlfriends. If male, accompanied by an obnoxious group of guys. Treats stage like an enormous concert hall filled with thousands of people who are scrutinizing her every move. Uses words and phrases like “uhhh..” and “sorry I’m so nervous.” Secretly believes that once this is over-with, she’ll never go up again. Techniques include: using papers as a shield, shaking convulsively, and standing three feet away from the mike.
Favourite Books: anything by Oscar Wilde, Virginia Wolf, or TS Eliot.
Proudest Moment: making it to the stage without fainting.
Hidden Shame: an actual virgin.
Future Dreams: make it down from the stage, get laid, and get a feature.
Can be overhead saying: “uuhhh…when do I go up?” and “uuhhh….can you hear me?”
Preferred Open Mike Position: always 1st, it isn’t a choice.
2. The Diva:
Brief Description: Madonna meets Ayn Rand. Treats the stage as a lavish living room. Resents other poets who haven’t openly acknowledged the beauty and power of her talent. Secretly believes the audience only comes to watch her. Techniques include: hip swaying and choreographed arm movements. Always holds mike.
Favourite Music: Hole, Pink.
Favourite Books: The Fountainhead.
Proudest Moment: won a poetry slam.
Hidden Shame: published on Poetry.com.
Future Dreams: to be discovered, then gloat madly.
Preferred Open Mike Position: after one of her underlings.
3. The Devo
Brief Description: Marlin Brando meets Leonard Cohen meets Liberaci (depending). Writes naked, in front of a mirror, in a bubble bath (if available). Treats stage like his bathroom. Resents other poets who haven’t fully acknowledged the power and beauty of his hair. Secretly believes audience has come to look at his biceps. Techniques include: strutting, posturing, and showing off new rings. Always hold mike.
Favourite Music: Tom Jones and Frank Sinatra.
Favourite Books: Maxim, The Hunt for Red October.
Proudest Moment: published on Poetry.com.
Hidden Shame: that ain’t his hair.
Future Dreams: to be discovered, then score with every woman in the audience.
Preferred Open Mike Position: right before feature, just to show who the REAL star is.
4. The Feminist:
Brief Description: a) Typically Female (see Male Feminist below). Usually a college or university student. Still furious over Gloria Steinem’s wedding. Father a cop or a lawyer who cheated on mother. Treats stage like a social rally. Writing includes words and phrazes like “pervert” and “don’t you put your eyes on me, mister” and “fuck you, assholes!” Secretly believes poetry strikes fear into the hearts of male audience members. Is explicit about any lesbian encounters because she thinks it makes male audience members uncomfortable. Is explicit about any heterosexual encounters because “it’s like, my body, right? And I can be a slut if I want to, OK?” Techniques include: autoerotism, vaginal ventriloquism, screaming, aggressive hand gestures, frothing at mouth. Never, never touches mike.
Favourite Music: Indigo Girls, Sarah McLaughlin, and the song “Bitch.”
Favourite Books: anything by Helen Cixous or Susan Faludi (except Stiffed: too sympathetic).
Proudest Moment: helped eject man from a Lilith Fair concert.
Hidden Shame: claims that extensive collection of Ememin paraphernalia is for “research” purposes only.
Infatuated with the Devo.
Can be overheard saying: “oh sweetie, that wasn’t about you, it was about all the other guys.”
Future Dreams: to stay in university forever.
POMP: last, to get the last word.
b) Male Feminist
Brief Description: will speak out against the male patriarchy to win favour with Female Feminists in order to get into their pants. Stance will last as long as his hopes do. Later becomes Shock Jock (see Shock Jock below).
5. The B-Boy
Brief Description: Always white. Vocally hates Eminem and any other non-black rappers who steal music from his peep’s. Talks about dropping “phat” beats, white oppression, and growing up in “tha hood.” Parents are upper-middle class corporate execs. Believes that his art helps him get back to his roots. Knows who really killed 2Pac. Techniques include: trying to rhyme, using Wutang clan gang signals, and keeping pants up. Holds that mike like a phat-ass Philly Blunt, yo.
Favourite Music: NWA, 2Pac
Proudest Moment: getting slapped around by Method Man and Snoop Dog at a concert.
Hidden Shame: once caught getting into mother’s minivan after a show.
Knows he ain’t all that.
Can be over-heard saying: (to a group of blacks) “What’s up, my homies!”
Future Dreams: smokin’ a spliff an’ chillin’ with some fine-ass bitches, yo.
6. The Anti-Christians
Brief Description: Come and go in groups, or congregations. Still angry that God took “Dingo” to heaven. Very dramatic, treat stage like a Parisian theatre. Believe that by criticizing the Catholic Church, they are being courageous and original. Secretly believe that the audience is “shocked” by their performances where God (gasp) is the object of ridicule. Fathers are usually ministers, and mothers heavily involved with their congregations. Techniques include: being overly sarcastic, talking very loudly, taking big steps around the stage, waving their arms, defecating on Christian paraphernalia, and calling a “Christ figure” out of the audience and collectively beating him up.
Favourite Books: anything by Nietzsche.
Proudest Moment: made elderly Christian woman in audience cry.
Hidden Shame: know and often hum the lyrics to hymns like: “Lord of the Dance” and “Jesus Loves Me.”
Future Dreams: make the world atheist.
POMP: immediately after anyone whose material is slightly pro-religious.
7. The Shock Jock
Brief Description: Always male. Bursts into laughter at the mention of the word “cock.” Dislikes The Buddhist (see The Buddhist below). Treats stage like a truck stop cafeteria. Uses words and phrazes like “gizz”, “doggie-style”, “swallow this!” and “right, guys?” Secretly believes that he is speaking for all men. Mother still makes him lunch and does his laundry. Techniques include: pausing for approval from male audience members, and reacting to angry female audience members by asking: “what? what did I say?” Still laughs at Andrew “Dice” Clay jokes.
Favourite Books: anything by John Grisham.
Favourite Music: Aerosmith, Kid Rock.
Proudest Moment: kicked off two stages in one night.
Hidden Shame: once applauded by a woman. Former Male Feminist (see Male Feminist above).
Future Dreams: call Momma.
POMP: immediately after the Diva, the Feminist, or the Buddhist (see the Buddhist below).
8. The Buddhist:
Brief Description: Uses the word “love” a lot. Devoutly anti-corporate, anti-capitalist. Never mind the incredible levels of poverty, the government corruption, and the widespread diseases like leprosy: we all had it much better back then. Always asking others outside for a “smoke.” Secretly believes that she has some of the audience members fooled into turning over their savings and joining her commune in Oregon. Techniques include: the lotus position, throat chanting, levitation, and playing with whatever it is in that small pouch of hers.
Favourite Books: The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.
Favourite Music: anything in the World Music section at Chapters.
Proudest Moment: found Nirvana.
Hidden Shame: lost it.
Future Dreams: to find Nirvana again, and then sell it by the square foot.
Can be over heard saying: “can I borrow some money?”
POMP: is there really any position?
EXTENDED BODY:
EXCERPT:
KEYWORDS: