Rocco de Giacomo

Ah, August, when the colours of the street bloom in the afternoon sun, and in the swelter of Kensington market, you can hear the drums of the buskers and the ice rattling in the tall glasses of caf? patrons. On the street, girls and women stride in loose clothing, having shed the remaining vestiges of cool weather. For many a man, the sight of a woman in flower dress is something that they cannot resist. They have to look. Demanding that they don’t is like telling a woman not to peek into the display window of a discount shoe store.

In this often unavoidable predicament, men have different lines of action. Not wanting to get caught looking, some men dawn dark sunglasses. Some have learned the method of turning their heads in the direction which the woman is walking and therefore allowing the temporary object of desire to enter freely into his line of vision. And other men, usually in the company of their buddies, take to becoming obnoxious.

Where a man’s eyes wonder is often the centre of a lot of debate in the community newspapers. One rather angry reporter, obviously not to keen on men looking at her, portrayed herself in her article as a street goddess, and men in society nothing more than packs of Pavlovian dogs, slobbering at her feet.

Is checking someone out really this bad? When does looking cross the line and become ogling?

A comedian once said that “there is a fine line between eye-contact and the stare of a psychopath.” Once when sitting in a park, me and my girlfriend watched a man stare, nonstop, at two young women playing frisbee, for about half an hour. Most men know the difference between an ogle and a look. I think it has something to do with the intent of the stare. Some men look because they like women, and others look because they don’t. As for the latter, these are the men who yell from car windows, flick their tongues when at a red light, and make kissing sounds in the shadows of bus shelters.

In the past, something happened to them. Some event jarred their minds like a record player and they lost the ability to make the connection between the mothers and sisters who love them, and wives and girlfriends and women they hate. They are stuck in a savage boyhood, unable to move forward. These are the men who will lovingly kiss their mothers goodbye, and within the same hour violate a women on a public bus with a hurtful comment or salacious sneer. When these men look at women, it is for the sole purpose of them making a feel uncomfortable and frightened. My advice to these men:

1. Grow up.

2. Go home and beg your mothers for forgiveness for having been two-faced liars and putting the members of her gender through so much abuse and scorn.

3. Contact all you ex-girlfriends and ex-wives and apologize for all the hostility and neglect that you’ve heaped upon them.

4. Go to your usual place of ogling with an armload of roses give one rose to each woman who passes by. Do this every day for a year.

Then, there is the other side of the coin: the yin for the Misogynist’s yang. As much as there are men out there who will go to no end to make women feel like nothing more than an object, there are women out there who do their best to be objects themselves. You can see it in the lineup of summer wear worn by 16-20 year old North American girls that, as Bill Maher said, is leaving prostitutes wondering what they’re going to wear. Strangely enough, while women are wearing less and less – the crotches of the newest bathing suits becoming more and more like ribbons – men are wearing more and more – the cuffs of their bathing trunks now hovering well below the knees. I am not sure why this is happening, possibly because women, young women, are becoming more bold and confident with their bodies, and men are becoming more insecure. How many men out there, have been told, at one time or another, that men’s private parts are ugly, and their bodies plain? How many men out there are embarrassed by their hairy chests, and back? While North American men have developed tastes for the young-looking supermodel look, North American women have also developed tastes for younger looking men: Brad Pitt, Ryan Philippe, lean and hairless as 14 year-old-boys.

Now, as much as the above described how Misogynists curse and mumble about the “stuck up” women who do their best to ignore their charming advances, certain women will complain about the looks and comments they receive on the street. Now before some of you start rattling out angry responses, please allow me to clarify myself. In this society, no one has the right to make someone else feel uncomfortable, period. There has always been the pervert in the park and the dirty old man in the subway, and it is my deepest hope that time will take care of them, but if I decided one morning to wear a shirt with the message “just do me,” should I be surprised and shocked that I receive comments about the shirt? No. I am not wearing this shirt for its comfort, or the way it makes my feel (pretty, attractive etc). I am wearing it to get a reaction. Now, I can really only speculate but, if I were a woman, and one day decided wear a lacy tube top clinging to my body by my erect nipples, and a pair of sixth grade pants tight enough to give me a frontal wedgy, I:

1) wouldn’t be wearing this outfit for comfort.

2) wouldn’t hope that only the people I choose, are going to give me looks and comments.

3) wouldn’t rely on the decency of the strangers I don’t choose, to avert their eyes and mind their own business.

Society has limits to public decency, which are always being tested and pushed. Now if you want to ride those limits, good. It’s a free country and you should be allowed to wear what you want. The rest of us need people like you to force the change in people’s attitudes. However, there are reactions – looks, leers, and comments – that I would have to expect if I were to do this.

Between these two extremes, we have the huddled masses. If this middle ground bears a common characteristic to these extremes, it is the frustration caused by the rift between how we want society to behave, and the way it does. Young men who want every attractive woman they look at to find them attractive in turn, and young women who, while for the most part want to be able to walk down the street without being gawked at, feel that spine of jealously when their friends get more attention then they do.

There is nothing wrong with checking someone out, but long gone are the days of Dean Martin’s “Watching All the Girls Go By.” And while we are all demanding more from each other and society, we can make summertime appreciation of one another other more tolerable by compromising. For the guys: if you see a pretty girl who you are not going to approach, dawn your shades and treat her like the sun. If you are planning on approaching her, instead of making a lewd comment, gather some courage and walk up to her and say: “Hi, my name is Joe, I was wondering if you would like to go for some coffee.” (Hey I never said I was Don Juan). And for the girls, while I realize that you have to put up with a lot of schmucks, all men see better than they think, so even the nice guys will occasionally rubberneck. This is not a perfect world, and many of these nice fellows you probably won’t find attractive. I just ask you not view them all as Pavlovian dogs. Besides, wouldn’t it stroke your ego if you could once, just once, be the cause of a minor traffic accident?

Here it is. After all the misguided guesses of women’s magazines, after all the insecure, and often homo-erotic posturing of those guys-only websites and male-oriented TV programs like the “The Guy Show,” and especially after all the hot air of Oprah Winfrey puppet, Dr. Phil (how anyone can sincerely take the advice of a man who sounds just like Hank from “King of the Hill,” God only knows) here are the top five things that men want from woman. Take notes, because these five things were carefully selected from many others, by a group of 4 twenty- something men who, through a stringent process of deliberation, celebration and eventual inebriation, came to a consensus at Future?s Bakery, just before closing time.

5. An absence of drama.

This would have been the #1 want, but since it is something that is next to impossible to get, it was moved to last place. It was kept on the list because, despite the futility of wanting it, there will always be hope. To be able to sit in silence, in a room and watch TV or read, for an extended period of time without having “the talk,” or without her worrying if her man is angry, will always be one of men?s most distant dreams.

Men are simple creatures, with the ability to sit with their friends, hour after peaceful, un-analyzing hour, and not say or do a heck of a lot. With women it?s a different story. Anywhere and everywhere is a potential for a little drama. That men fail to see and exploit all this drama lying uselessly about, is often the cause of much frustration in women. It?s my belief that deep in the heart of every woman, no matter how progressive and liberal minded, is a secret desire to stand on the edge of a high cliff, overlooking a storm-swept ocean, wearing a flowing Victorian dress, her long hair flowing in the wind as she contemplates casting herself, in an ever so gothic fashion, onto the rocks below.

This desire for drama can leave men sleep-deprived from too many 3:00 am emergency conversations, and completely shell-shocked from too many loaded questions. The lack of it would probably raise our life expectancy to that of our female counterparts.

4. A cute butt.

Not their own butt. Their girlfriend?s/wife?s butt.
This is not to say that a woman should have what fashion magazines define as a cute bum, but what the individual man defines as cute. There are many different guys out there so there are many different tastes.

For fear of becoming too crass, I won’t dwell on this topic long, but I will say this:

With the advent of low-rise jeans and growing popularity of g-strings, women’s so-called fashion superiority to men is being called into question. When they are worn properly, they have sex appeal. But when worn incorrectly, which is often the case, they are definitely not sexy. They lose all subtlety, and low-rise jeans then become a $100 excuse to have plumber?s butt and g-strings, especially when they are worn with low-rise jeans, winched up high above the hips, they say only one thing: I?m into wedgies.

3. Back scratches

Again, men are simple creatures. We have very simple needs. Having our back scratched is a pastime for men. Some have moved on to more advanced techniques like the message, but back scratching is where it all began. It is a simple, convenient and energy-efficient way to give your man affection, requiring something as easy as a hand up the back of the shirt. It is good to do it on a regular basis, but woman can also save it for a reward.

2. Sex

With women, it?s all about attention, when a where they can get it. With men, it?s all about sex, when and where they can get it. As Billy Crystal said, women need a reason for sex, men need just a place.

I think men have been given a bad rap because of their obsession with it. Those who dwell on it are labeled as shallow and obnoxious. Suggesting it to a woman, let?s say in a bar, is almost always taken as an affront. However, once in a healthy relationship, this affront quickly becomes something therapeutic, almost medicinal for the very same women. This change in their perception of sex has always left me stumped. One minute sex is a cheap insult, the next it?s a saving grace.

Poor men. To assume women want it is to be sexist. To assume they don?t want it is to be oblivious and insensitive to their needs.

All in all, I can?t see what the problem is. Sex is good. Sex involves cooperation and teamwork. Sex, if done properly, is satisfying for all parties involved. Sex is something you can feel. In other words, it?s real.

What?s attention? Can you touch it? Can you see it? No. Does it satisfy all parties involved? No, it satisfies only the object. While sex is a two-way street, attention is always one. In fact attention never fully satisfies because women can never get enough of it. Attention isn?t real.

I think that a woman is shallower for chasing a self-serving illusion than a man is for chasing a mutually beneficial act. My advice to single women is not to be shallow and go for sex.

It?s the second most important thing to men. Sex with someone they are in love with is preferable. With a complete stranger? Well, that’s all right too.

1. Sense of humour

I used to have a friend who had a thing for Asian women. These relationships were, for the most part, were passionate but short-lived. The problem was not a cultural thing, but a language thing. He kept on having to explain his jokes, and she hers. One could say that only if they put a little more effort into it, the relationship would have worked. But then, what happens to a joke when it is over explained? Like the joke, I guess they both looked at each other and said: ah, forget it!

For guys, being able to make you laugh, and you being able to make them laugh, is the most important thing. A person’s sense of humour encompasses and pervades much about themselves: intellect, knowledge, wit, tastes. To have the same sense of humour with a person means that you can not only understand and care for a person, but most importantly you can “get” them. And when you get a person, you can love them. And love is what it?s all about, right?

I hope this puts the record straight.

don’t come round but if you do…

yeah sure, I’ll be in unless I’m out

don’t knock if the lights are out

or you hear voices or then

I might be reading Proust

if someone slips Proust under my door

or one of his bones for my stew,

This is not an apology for those I’ve been ignoring. This is only an attempt at an explanation. I’m not sure if it’s my age that causing my circle of friends to get smaller and smaller, but steadily, over the last number of years, the number of people who call me, and the number of people who I want to call has shrunk. It’s only at moments like these, moments when I am able to come up for air, or moments when I lose another friend, that I realize how isolated I’ve become. The problem is not that I am running out of friends, the problem is that I’m not really bothered by it. I am startled by my lack of feeling on the matter. Lately, with the exception of Lisa, my parents, and one or two others, I’ve had no need to call, or to receive calls from anyone.

and I can’t loan money or

the phone

or what’s left of my car

though you can have yesterday’s newspaper

an old shirt or a bologna sandwich

or sleep on the couch

if you don’t scream at night

and you can talk about yourself

that’s only normal;

hard times are upon us all

Maybe it is my age that I am not calling you anymore. Maybe it’s that I’m not the person you want me to be any longer. Every time you call I can feel you baiting me with the same old stories, the same old inside jokes. I’ve tried, believe me, to play the person you need under those knowing looks of yours. It’s just not me anymore.

only I am not trying to raise a family

to send through Harvard

or buy hunting land,

I am not aiming high

I am only trying to keep myself alive

just a little longer,

so if you sometimes knock

and I don’t answer

and there isn’t a woman in here

maybe I have broken my jaw

and am looking for wire

or I am chasing the butterflies in

my wallpaper,

It could be my work. I spend five hours a day talking to class of level three immigrants, trying to help them understand me. And when I get home, I have no more words left. I don’t want to speak. I don’t want to listen. I get your message, but all I want to do is sit and write or watch TV.

I mean if I don’t answer

I don’t answer, and the reason is

that I am not yet ready to kill you

or love you, or even accept you,

it means I don’t want to talk

I am busy, I am mad, I am glad

or maybe I’m stringing up a rope;

so even if the lights are on

and you hear sound

like breathing or praying or singing

a radio or the roll of dice

or typing –

Do you really need to talk to someone this badly? What do you get out of it? What’s wrong with simply being alone? Why do you always need to have someone around, another presence in the room with you, another voice on the phone to hear you breathe?

go away, it is not the day

the night, the hour;

it is not the ignorance of impoliteness,

I wish to hurt nothing, not even a bug

but sometimes I gather evidence of a kind

that takes some sorting,

and your blue eyes, be they blue

and your hair, if you have some

or your mind – they cannot enter

until the rope is cut or knotted

or until I have shaven into

new mirrors, until the world is

stopped or opened

forever.

I’m not sure what it is. It could be apathy or agoraphobia. You might think I am selfish, but I help the world in my own way. With my teaching, I help people get accustomed to a new life and a new country. With this website, I help artists around the country and world get acquainted.

Because I don’t wish to speak to you means nothing. What does talk beget but only more talk. You only want to hear your own voice to justify your own anguish. Clime a mountain, walk on the moon, sail the world, or watch Oprah.

But please, tonight, like every other night, there is something in the silence that can solve me. There is something in the emptiness that I find soothing. So please, for now, just let me be.

Rocco de Giacomo

The poem used in this article is “don’t come around but if you do…” by Charles Bukowski

Once upon a time, I saw some poetry that I really liked. So, I emailed the poet – lets call him MELVIN – and asked him if he would like to be a feature on Latchkey.net. MELVIN was more than happy to, as you can see from his reply.

Rocco,

“….honor!…”

“…….love to….”

MELVIN.

If you are wondering why I am only giving you fragments of his email, you’ll understand at the end of this article. Anyway, we at Latchkey went ahead and posted his work on our site. However, as an oversight on my part, we not only published some of the poems he sent us, but also pieces that he had on his website. It was an oversight – please understand. In the past we have been encouraged by other artists to copy works from their sites when we feature them. I didn’t think it was such a big deal, considering our site doesn’t make any money or profit from featuring whom we select. MELVIN, however, was bothered by it.

Rocco,

“….thankful…..”

“…..not too keen……”

“….lifting works……”

“…..other places….”

“…..permission….”

“…….laws against that…”

MELVIN.

Now, I could have simply removed the poems that MELVIN told us to remove, and been done with it, but I was annoyed with MELVIN’S response. Technically, I understand now, it was infringement. But along with these poems, we posted:

-a photo of him

-a link to his site

-a brief description of his art, written by him, for this particular feature

-a rather complementary write-up on his work written by yours truly

Considering this, what I did wasn’t exactly what you would call stealing, but that is what he was accusing me of. I was beginning to believe that MELVIN was a bit of a twit.

MELVIN,

Sorry it has taking me so long to get back to you, I have been very busy of late and have had little time to do any emailing. I would like to apologize for taking some of your other pieces without permission. Thank you for letting us at Latchkey.net know about the rules and laws of the Internet. I am very relieved that you informed us about our trespassing. Especially since we were just about to make some minor alterations to your featured pieces. Believe me, I loved all of your pieces, but as a collective we felt that we could enhance some or all of them by giving them more of a slant, or a dialect, so to speak.

We decided that your pieces would benefit being translated into “Jive” talk. Working hard, and researching a great deal of Ebonics, we have translated one of my favourite piece of yours,

[Actually, what I did here was run the poem through The Dialectizer, an online program that takes normal text and alters it to give the text a selected dialect. For example the previous sentence, run through The Dialectizer, would come out looking something like this:

“Acshully, whut ah did hyar was helter-skelter th’ poem through Th’ Dialeckizer, an online program thet takes no’mal text an’ alters it an’ gives th’ text a selecked dialeck.”

Pretty neat, huh? The link is http://rinkworks.com/dialect.

Back to my reply to MELVIN.]

Wow, huh?

I bet you see your poem in a whole new light. We’d love to feature all your poems like this, but of course, as you say, there are laws against doing such things without a person’s permission. So we’d like to ask for your permission to go a ahead and do this

Thanks kindly,

Rocco de Giacomo

My response was both to inform MELVIN that his pieces had been removed from the site, and to subtly suggest he loosen up a little.

MELVIN did not take my response kindly.

Rocco,

“…ripped from…”

“….pissed off…”

“….bait me….”

“…..remove…..”

…MELVIN.

He ordered me to remove his entire feature from Latchkey.net. This is where things got a little more involved. MELVIN was not used to being joked with, and I am not used to taking orders.

MELVIN,

The chances of us doing anything more together ended as soon as you sent that curt, rather unappreciative email. To imply that I am a thief after a month long exchange of emails and hours of preparation by Lisa and myself was insulting. But I will forgo you for your exceptional writing. In regards to removing your writing from my site, we’ll decide at the end of the month,

Thanks kindly

Rocco de Giacomo

I figured that since he had given us permission to post his remaining poems, he couldn’t take it back.

MELVIN figured differently.

Rocco,

“….blunt….”

“…….thief…..”

“….copyright……”

“…….without permission…..”

“….until midnight…..”

“…remove……”

“…….copyright violation……”

“….the RCMP…..”

MELVIN.

Yes, MELVIN, threatened to get the RCMP after me. Does the RCMP have a Poetry department? I wonder if instead of those broad hats, and snug red blazers, they wear little berets and long wind-blown scarves. Anyway, as much as MELVIN was angered by my refusal to remove his poetry, I was angered at his reiteration that I was a thief, and his threat to involve the Poetry Police.

You believe that the RCMP are going to come after me over some poems. Let alone poems that you gave me permission to publish.

Hello in there MELVIN, what colour is the sky in your little world?

You can sue me if you want. Fill out this form:

MELVIN hereby sues Rocco de Giacomo for the following:

1. Emotional pain

2. Creative pain

3. Lower back pain

4. Singing in the rain

5. Johnny Coltraine

6. Rogaine.

7. Blaming it on the Rain.

Total pending: __

Or even better, you can write Latchkey.net on a paper cup, fill in with hot coffee, then pour it on your crotch.

Once you do this, contact me and I will send you a cheque. We have proof of your permission.

We will keep your photo, the poems you gave us, and my rather beautiful write up on you, until the end of the month. I will then make a decision whether to keep you on our site.

Thanks kindly,

Rocco de Giacomo

I was convinced I was right. In a regular magazine or newspaper, once a piece is published, the author can’t change his mind and have all magazines and newspapers recalled. The Internet should have the same kind of laws, right? I was determined to keep MELVIN’S work until the end of the month. He was a twit and he called me a thief. End of story.

Well, almost. While MELVIN and I were busy exchanging compliments, Lisa, resourceful, intelligent Lisa was researching the Internet for Copyright laws. While it is not clear on whether MELVIN did in fact have the right to recall his poems from my site, Lisa thought it would be safer to remove his work, even though he had originally given us permission to post them. So while I was in the midst of anticipating MELVIN’S next move, and relishing my own response, Lisa was removing his poems, photograph, bio, and write-up from Latchkey.

As much as I disapproved, she was right.

During the little ordeal, I was beginning to forget the real reasons for us making this website together. We made it for ourselves and for the world community of artists to enjoy.

We haven’t heard back from MELVIN yet, and for all we know, he’s already hiring a lawyer. I regret getting caught up in pettiness, and in the future I will need to show more patience if I want this to work.

I will say this:

MELVIN, if you are out there, you were right.

But you are still a twit.