Author: Rocco

Ah, August, when the colours of the street bloom in the afternoon sun, and in the swelter of Kensington market, you can hear the drums of the buskers and the ice rattling in the tall glasses of caf? patrons. On the street, girls and women stride in loose clothing, having shed the remaining vestiges of cool weather. For many a man, the sight of a woman in flower dress is something that they cannot resist. They have to look. Demanding that they don’t is like telling a woman not to peek into the display window of a discount shoe store.

In this often unavoidable predicament, men have different lines of action. Not wanting to get caught looking, some men dawn dark sunglasses. Some have learned the method of turning their heads in the direction which the woman is walking and therefore allowing the temporary object of desire to enter freely into his line of vision. And other men, usually in the company of their buddies, take to becoming obnoxious.

Where a man’s eyes wonder is often the centre of a lot of debate in the community newspapers. One rather angry reporter, obviously not to keen on men looking at her, portrayed herself in her article as a street goddess, and men in society nothing more than packs of Pavlovian dogs, slobbering at her feet.

Is checking someone out really this bad? When does looking cross the line and become ogling?

A comedian once said that “there is a fine line between eye-contact and the stare of a psychopath.” Once when sitting in a park, me and my girlfriend watched a man stare, nonstop, at two young women playing frisbee, for about half an hour. Most men know the difference between an ogle and a look. I think it has something to do with the intent of the stare. Some men look because they like women, and others look because they don’t. As for the latter, these are the men who yell from car windows, flick their tongues when at a red light, and make kissing sounds in the shadows of bus shelters.

In the past, something happened to them. Some event jarred their minds like a record player and they lost the ability to make the connection between the mothers and sisters who love them, and wives and girlfriends and women they hate. They are stuck in a savage boyhood, unable to move forward. These are the men who will lovingly kiss their mothers goodbye, and within the same hour violate a women on a public bus with a hurtful comment or salacious sneer. When these men look at women, it is for the sole purpose of them making a feel uncomfortable and frightened. My advice to these men:

1. Grow up.

2. Go home and beg your mothers for forgiveness for having been two-faced liars and putting the members of her gender through so much abuse and scorn.

3. Contact all you ex-girlfriends and ex-wives and apologize for all the hostility and neglect that you’ve heaped upon them.

4. Go to your usual place of ogling with an armload of roses give one rose to each woman who passes by. Do this every day for a year.

Then, there is the other side of the coin: the yin for the Misogynist’s yang. As much as there are men out there who will go to no end to make women feel like nothing more than an object, there are women out there who do their best to be objects themselves. You can see it in the lineup of summer wear worn by 16-20 year old North American girls that, as Bill Maher said, is leaving prostitutes wondering what they’re going to wear. Strangely enough, while women are wearing less and less – the crotches of the newest bathing suits becoming more and more like ribbons – men are wearing more and more – the cuffs of their bathing trunks now hovering well below the knees. I am not sure why this is happening, possibly because women, young women, are becoming more bold and confident with their bodies, and men are becoming more insecure. How many men out there, have been told, at one time or another, that men’s private parts are ugly, and their bodies plain? How many men out there are embarrassed by their hairy chests, and back? While North American men have developed tastes for the young-looking supermodel look, North American women have also developed tastes for younger looking men: Brad Pitt, Ryan Philippe, lean and hairless as 14 year-old-boys.

Now, as much as the above described how Misogynists curse and mumble about the “stuck up” women who do their best to ignore their charming advances, certain women will complain about the looks and comments they receive on the street. Now before some of you start rattling out angry responses, please allow me to clarify myself. In this society, no one has the right to make someone else feel uncomfortable, period. There has always been the pervert in the park and the dirty old man in the subway, and it is my deepest hope that time will take care of them, but if I decided one morning to wear a shirt with the message “just do me,” should I be surprised and shocked that I receive comments about the shirt? No. I am not wearing this shirt for its comfort, or the way it makes my feel (pretty, attractive etc). I am wearing it to get a reaction. Now, I can really only speculate but, if I were a woman, and one day decided wear a lacy tube top clinging to my body by my erect nipples, and a pair of sixth grade pants tight enough to give me a frontal wedgy, I:

1) wouldn’t be wearing this outfit for comfort.

2) wouldn’t hope that only the people I choose, are going to give me looks and comments.

3) wouldn’t rely on the decency of the strangers I don’t choose, to avert their eyes and mind their own business.

Society has limits to public decency, which are always being tested and pushed. Now if you want to ride those limits, good. It’s a free country and you should be allowed to wear what you want. The rest of us need people like you to force the change in people’s attitudes. However, there are reactions – looks, leers, and comments – that I would have to expect if I were to do this.

Between these two extremes, we have the huddled masses. If this middle ground bears a common characteristic to these extremes, it is the frustration caused by the rift between how we want society to behave, and the way it does. Young men who want every attractive woman they look at to find them attractive in turn, and young women who, while for the most part want to be able to walk down the street without being gawked at, feel that spine of jealously when their friends get more attention then they do.

There is nothing wrong with checking someone out, but long gone are the days of Dean Martin’s “Watching All the Girls Go By.” And while we are all demanding more from each other and society, we can make summertime appreciation of one another other more tolerable by compromising. For the guys: if you see a pretty girl who you are not going to approach, dawn your shades and treat her like the sun. If you are planning on approaching her, instead of making a lewd comment, gather some courage and walk up to her and say: “Hi, my name is Joe, I was wondering if you would like to go for some coffee.” (Hey I never said I was Don Juan). And for the girls, while I realize that you have to put up with a lot of schmucks, all men see better than they think, so even the nice guys will occasionally rubberneck. This is not a perfect world, and many of these nice fellows you probably won’t find attractive. I just ask you not view them all as Pavlovian dogs. Besides, wouldn’t it stroke your ego if you could once, just once, be the cause of a minor traffic accident?

Here it is. After all the misguided guesses of women’s magazines, after all the insecure, and often homo-erotic posturing of those guys-only websites and male-oriented TV programs like the “The Guy Show,” and especially after all the hot air of Oprah Winfrey puppet, Dr. Phil (how anyone can sincerely take the advice of a man who sounds just like Hank from “King of the Hill,” God only knows) here are the top five things that men want from woman. Take notes, because these five things were carefully selected from many others, by a group of 4 twenty- something men who, through a stringent process of deliberation, celebration and eventual inebriation, came to a consensus at Future?s Bakery, just before closing time.

5. An absence of drama.

This would have been the #1 want, but since it is something that is next to impossible to get, it was moved to last place. It was kept on the list because, despite the futility of wanting it, there will always be hope. To be able to sit in silence, in a room and watch TV or read, for an extended period of time without having “the talk,” or without her worrying if her man is angry, will always be one of men?s most distant dreams.

Men are simple creatures, with the ability to sit with their friends, hour after peaceful, un-analyzing hour, and not say or do a heck of a lot. With women it?s a different story. Anywhere and everywhere is a potential for a little drama. That men fail to see and exploit all this drama lying uselessly about, is often the cause of much frustration in women. It?s my belief that deep in the heart of every woman, no matter how progressive and liberal minded, is a secret desire to stand on the edge of a high cliff, overlooking a storm-swept ocean, wearing a flowing Victorian dress, her long hair flowing in the wind as she contemplates casting herself, in an ever so gothic fashion, onto the rocks below.

This desire for drama can leave men sleep-deprived from too many 3:00 am emergency conversations, and completely shell-shocked from too many loaded questions. The lack of it would probably raise our life expectancy to that of our female counterparts.

4. A cute butt.

Not their own butt. Their girlfriend?s/wife?s butt.
This is not to say that a woman should have what fashion magazines define as a cute bum, but what the individual man defines as cute. There are many different guys out there so there are many different tastes.

For fear of becoming too crass, I won’t dwell on this topic long, but I will say this:

With the advent of low-rise jeans and growing popularity of g-strings, women’s so-called fashion superiority to men is being called into question. When they are worn properly, they have sex appeal. But when worn incorrectly, which is often the case, they are definitely not sexy. They lose all subtlety, and low-rise jeans then become a $100 excuse to have plumber?s butt and g-strings, especially when they are worn with low-rise jeans, winched up high above the hips, they say only one thing: I?m into wedgies.

3. Back scratches

Again, men are simple creatures. We have very simple needs. Having our back scratched is a pastime for men. Some have moved on to more advanced techniques like the message, but back scratching is where it all began. It is a simple, convenient and energy-efficient way to give your man affection, requiring something as easy as a hand up the back of the shirt. It is good to do it on a regular basis, but woman can also save it for a reward.

2. Sex

With women, it?s all about attention, when a where they can get it. With men, it?s all about sex, when and where they can get it. As Billy Crystal said, women need a reason for sex, men need just a place.

I think men have been given a bad rap because of their obsession with it. Those who dwell on it are labeled as shallow and obnoxious. Suggesting it to a woman, let?s say in a bar, is almost always taken as an affront. However, once in a healthy relationship, this affront quickly becomes something therapeutic, almost medicinal for the very same women. This change in their perception of sex has always left me stumped. One minute sex is a cheap insult, the next it?s a saving grace.

Poor men. To assume women want it is to be sexist. To assume they don?t want it is to be oblivious and insensitive to their needs.

All in all, I can?t see what the problem is. Sex is good. Sex involves cooperation and teamwork. Sex, if done properly, is satisfying for all parties involved. Sex is something you can feel. In other words, it?s real.

What?s attention? Can you touch it? Can you see it? No. Does it satisfy all parties involved? No, it satisfies only the object. While sex is a two-way street, attention is always one. In fact attention never fully satisfies because women can never get enough of it. Attention isn?t real.

I think that a woman is shallower for chasing a self-serving illusion than a man is for chasing a mutually beneficial act. My advice to single women is not to be shallow and go for sex.

It?s the second most important thing to men. Sex with someone they are in love with is preferable. With a complete stranger? Well, that’s all right too.

1. Sense of humour

I used to have a friend who had a thing for Asian women. These relationships were, for the most part, were passionate but short-lived. The problem was not a cultural thing, but a language thing. He kept on having to explain his jokes, and she hers. One could say that only if they put a little more effort into it, the relationship would have worked. But then, what happens to a joke when it is over explained? Like the joke, I guess they both looked at each other and said: ah, forget it!

For guys, being able to make you laugh, and you being able to make them laugh, is the most important thing. A person’s sense of humour encompasses and pervades much about themselves: intellect, knowledge, wit, tastes. To have the same sense of humour with a person means that you can not only understand and care for a person, but most importantly you can “get” them. And when you get a person, you can love them. And love is what it?s all about, right?

I hope this puts the record straight.