3. Hang rubber testicles from the tailgate of your truck.
Imagine the time it takes to drive to the store, enter the store, look for a large rubber scrotum, wait in line, purchase the scrotum, drive home, get out your tool box, read the directions on the package, open the package, take out the scrotum, get down on your knees, make sure you have enough clearance between the bottom of the scrotum and the road, and then attach the rubber scrotum to your tailgate.
This is how some people fill their days. One can only imagine their thoughts when deciding who to vote for in national elections. And don’t kid yourself: Bush got re-elected AFTER Katrina and Abu Ghraib. They vote.
2. Fight in Public.
Ah, there is nothing like taking a leisurely Sunday walk on a warm sunny day, strolling twenty feet behind a couple adoringly punctuating the air with expletives. Every block or so, one will stop, turn towards the other, wave their hands in the air like a tree in a windstorm, and utter, with vein-popping volume, a term of endearment only slightly obscured by an over-abundance of spittle. They continue on this way, and as much as you wish to leave these lovebirds to this mating dance, they magically seem to know your intended route. Trying to slow down won’t help, and by attempting to pass them, you risk getting saliva on your clothing.
I’ve always wondered why these couples to decide to go for a walk together in the first place. Do they think, Well the neighbours have gone out, we need SOMEONE to witness our passion! Or, is it that, in the heat of the moment, when one of them heads for the door, the other says, Wait! We need to scream a little more about this!!
Really though, the worst are those who decide to clear out a crowded bus stop by hollering threats into the receivers of their little cell phones. Invariably, these are young men with bruised egos and plaster casts on their forearms who have decided to relegate a confrontation to a nice, safe distance.
For both the “passionate” couples and the angry young men, these actions are simply the result of poor life choices due to momentary bouts of stupidity, and the delusional idea that uncouth behaviour is justified when one has an audience.
Well, celebrities do this all the time! Well yes, from time to time, Lindsay Lohan has a hissy-fit, but she has the money to spin her trashy behaviour into a bad-girl image. And while your behaviour is trashy, I can only assume by the stained track pants you’re wearing, you don’t have the money for a team of publicists. Of course the biggest difference between you and Lindsay, besides the Hollywood connections and several million dollars, is that Lindsay has a willing audience. Yours is missing the element of willingness, which means that it is not, in fact, an audience, but a scared group of hostages.
My advice? Sulk. Be passive-aggressive. If more people did this, there would be far fewer mouthy dictators and late night talk show hosts in the world.
1. Believe the Earth is six thousand years old.
Unlike what some world leaders would have you believe, the jury is not out, and there is no controversy to teach. Such a belief betrays ignorance so willful – one would have to dismiss so much of what has been discovered in the last 400 years – that believing in a flat Earth would be an easy step to take.
And why not? To accept the idea of a young Earth, one would have to dismiss radio carbon dating, the speed of light (first estimated by Ole Christensen Rømer in the 17th century), and anything seen out of the telescope since Galileo in the 16th century. Discoveries that have ensued from these developments can do nothing but shed light on the true age of the Earth and its environs, which happens to be about 12-13 billion years older. To put the error of this belief into context, it has been said that believing the Earth is six thousand years old (rather than its true age of about 4.5 billion years) is the equivalent to believing the width of the US, from coast to coast, is roughly seven metres.
In light of this, to believe the Earth is flat isn’t such a big step. You’ve already gone so far as to blunt your world-view to the foot or so distance you need to read from your holy doctrines, why not finish the job and commit yourself to the belief that those taking a Carnival Cruise court death by tumbling over the edge of the earth?
Yes I am irritated. I always get irritated when I dwell on this topic. But why shouldn’t I be? Such people – and there are millions of them in North America – pressed by a terror of ambiguity, have forced themselves into a black and white, medieval mindset, and wish the same mindset upon their children and the children of others, with the hopes that more people grow up believing that this planet is nothing but a weigh station (some even refer to it as Hell); a waiting room they can treat as they like while praying for entrance to an eternal theme park.
There is very little advice I can offer here. People must come to terms with their inevitable nothingness on their own. What I can offer is simply to travel to places where your religion or creed is a minority, and to be an omnivorous reader.
