1. $100.00 a person for excessive PDA. Let me get this straight, big spenders: you want to demonstrate your love for one another, so you pay a whole $2.75 a ticket to show your fellow riders how well you can kiss? And don’t pretend that you are so caught up in each others’ pheromones that you aren’t aware of us. Here’s a newsflash: the look on our faces isn’t that of shock or envy, it’s simply how people look when trying to control their gag reflexes.
2. $50.00 for trying to talk to me. I’ve grown weary of others complaining about the unfriendly environment of Toronto. It’s a city of 5 million people. We are here to work, eat, drink overheated coffee and go to the occasionally show. Listen boy-chick, if you want a huggy environment, there are plenty of hippie communes out in Kootenay, BC. I take the subway either early in the morning or during rush hour at night. At these moments I relish my anonymity and I am in no mood to talk or have a sing-song with anyone. So please, get your own copy of the Metro and stop trying to give me your analysis of the latest episode of Mad Men.
3. $150.00 for monster-truck baby strollers. When your stroller beeps when backing up, it’s no longer about the baby. What you have there is both a status symbol and an all-terrain purse that just happens to have a space for a child. This push-powered SUV, which looks as though it needs a team of dogs to pull it around, can barely fit through the front door of your house – you can’t get it up the front steps without help – yet somehow you’ve determined that you can get it through the folding doors of a streetcar, up the stairs no less, and over the guardrail! And oh yes, none of us will mind having to wait an extra ten minutes for you and your Sherpas to squeeze on board because you, my dear, are bearing the most important cargo in the whole world!!
4. $100.00 for being off your meds. Oh lord, why? What is it about me that makes me a beacon for crazy people? I follow the same set of rules on the TTC rides as I do on road trips through Quebec:
1. Keep a low profile.
2. Don’t make eye-contact with anyone.
3. Don’t engage in conversation with strangers.
While these precautions seem to ward off any armchair separatists, they surprisingly don’t fare as well when it comes to the mildly insane, and I still end up attracting some lady who feels the need to continuously buzz around me in circles on the train platform.
5. $100.00 for being a teenager. Just because we’ve all been through the I-am-so-crazy-and-different phase, doesn’t mean we are obliged to tolerate it in others. Yes, once or twice I have tried to impress some girl by doing chin-ups via the overhead handrail, but so what? I say teens should be fined for not coming up with something more original. Oh wow, how OUTRAGEOUS you are, pushing and shoving and giggling like that, and – Oh My God – sitting on the floor of the car! Well actually, that’s just gross. Hey, you know what will really tick off your parents? Keeping quiet and wearing clothes that fit.