May’s Top Five Videos

5. The German language is…


4. Greed is…


3. Pregnant women are…


2. Jeff Goldblum is…


1. The Earth is…


Damaged Goods Detection

Of late, there have been several newspaper articles (here’s the latest) about men who have received emotional, psychological and vindictive drubbings from their former wives. (See also here and here) Now before I get off on the wrong foot, (and by the title of this article, I may have already done so) I am not saying that all disgruntled, separated and divorced women do this kind of thing. We all know that in matters of the loin and heart, there is plenty of crazy to go around for both sexes, especially when children are involved. This article simply acknowledges the fact that a small fraction (teeny! tiny!!) of women has a vindictive streak when it comes to exes, and so proposes to help men identify and avoid these women altogether.

Let’s be fair, there is justifiably a small library of books written in the same vein, advising women on which ‘psycho cues’ to beware of when selecting a mate. When in Doubt, Check Him Out: A Woman’s Survival Guide by Joseph Culligan, immediately springs to mind. So, the following is simply one humble, male-oriented article in a sea of female-oriented books advising men on how to steer clear of the slightly insane. Men, take heed of these behavioural cues, if you ever want to avoid hearing the words “Daddy, what’s a douche-bag?”

1. Likes to throw things. To be a little more specific, likes to through things at you. Hard. And we’re not talking Teddy Ruxbin or her favourite tea-cozy, we’re talking small appliances and ceramics. A lot of men dream about fiery-tempered dish throwers, but trust me guys, when she’s in mid swing, the last thing she’s thinking about is sexy-time. And if she is willing to cave your skull in with a toaster over tracking mud into the apartment, imagine what she’s going to be like after a few huddles with a divorce lawyer.

2. Dresses hot for you, the waiter, the mailman, and everyone on the Yonge 97. It’s one thing to dress attractively your partner, but when the girl you’re dating is sporting gargantuan coin slot to match her gargantuan cleavage, and you are on a Sunday visit to see gramma, your potential future wife may be suffering from unaddressed attention issues. This might be a cute quirk right now, but there’s a good chance your girl might be heading down the path to Cougarville, where there are smirking pool boys and spanish-tongued gardeners a plenty.

3. Want…HUSBAND NOW!!! Marriage is the be-all and end-all to someone like this. To her, you are Prince Charming, ready to carry her away happily ever after on your white stallion. Now, as flattering as this may be, it also puts you in the awkward position of bearing all her hopes and dreams. If the marriage works out, wonderful. If, however, things start to fall apart, you will quickly learn what it’s like to be the village shaman a week or so after the crops fail.

4. Give us this day our daily break-up. Every couple has their rough patches, their little breakups and make-ups, but if the breakup is becoming part of your daily routine, just after morning coffee, and the result of God-knows-what-you-did today, watch out. Some people just can’t live without a daily dose of hysteria, and this is a preview to what your married life will be like – except when you married, the breakup will involve you paying $50,000 for the novelty of having your butt handed to you by an attorney.

5. Detests animals. I’ve always been wary of those fortysomething people who smoke like chimneys and drive around on those little scooters. I’ve always been wary of men who tuck in their sweaters. And I’ve always been wary of women who hate animals. I can’t put my finger on it, but when I engage in conversation with any of these people, I treat them as if they are little crazy. You know, the way you do whenever that guy at the corner with the tinfoil on his head tells you about the microchip in his brain. For the women who hate animals, I always get the sense that they see the natural world as full of filthy, useless, chaos-bringing life forms who should be all be very appreciative they are allowed even to exist. This frightens me. Just how long would it take for a slightly disgruntled, soon-to-be ex-wife to associate her middle-aged and slightly balding husband with a faeces-throwing Chimp? My guess is, if she is looking across at him in divorce court, not very long at all.

Hope this helps.

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April’s Top Five Videos

5. Wow. In the late 90’s, I thought I was ahead of the curve by reading Adbusters, but this was released in 1976! Why has no one told me about this movie?


4. I. Just. Can’t. Wait.


3. This must ring so horribly true for Guelph alumni.


2. Maher on Miley Cyrus and Evolution.


1.Someone has recently said that I write too much about sex. Errr…I have yet to locate these salacious samples of my writing, but in the meantime I would like to dedicate this last video to both the late great Bea Arthur and the unnamed party keeping a close, puritan eye on my progress.