What Men Want

Here it is. After all the misguided guesses of women’s magazines, after all the insecure, and often homo-erotic posturing of those guys-only websites and male-oriented TV programs like the “The Guy Show,” and especially after all the hot air of Oprah Winfrey puppet, Dr. Phil (how anyone can sincerely take the advice of a man who sounds just like Hank from “King of the Hill,” God only knows) here are the top five things that men want from woman. Take notes, because these five things were carefully selected from many others, by a group of 4 twenty- something men who, through a stringent process of deliberation, celebration and eventual inebriation, came to a consensus at Future?s Bakery, just before closing time.

5. An absence of drama.

This would have been the #1 want, but since it is something that is next to impossible to get, it was moved to last place. It was kept on the list because, despite the futility of wanting it, there will always be hope. To be able to sit in silence, in a room and watch TV or read, for an extended period of time without having “the talk,” or without her worrying if her man is angry, will always be one of men?s most distant dreams.

Men are simple creatures, with the ability to sit with their friends, hour after peaceful, un-analyzing hour, and not say or do a heck of a lot. With women it?s a different story. Anywhere and everywhere is a potential for a little drama. That men fail to see and exploit all this drama lying uselessly about, is often the cause of much frustration in women. It?s my belief that deep in the heart of every woman, no matter how progressive and liberal minded, is a secret desire to stand on the edge of a high cliff, overlooking a storm-swept ocean, wearing a flowing Victorian dress, her long hair flowing in the wind as she contemplates casting herself, in an ever so gothic fashion, onto the rocks below.

This desire for drama can leave men sleep-deprived from too many 3:00 am emergency conversations, and completely shell-shocked from too many loaded questions. The lack of it would probably raise our life expectancy to that of our female counterparts.

4. A cute butt.

Not their own butt. Their girlfriend?s/wife?s butt.
This is not to say that a woman should have what fashion magazines define as a cute bum, but what the individual man defines as cute. There are many different guys out there so there are many different tastes.

For fear of becoming too crass, I won’t dwell on this topic long, but I will say this:

With the advent of low-rise jeans and growing popularity of g-strings, women’s so-called fashion superiority to men is being called into question. When they are worn properly, they have sex appeal. But when worn incorrectly, which is often the case, they are definitely not sexy. They lose all subtlety, and low-rise jeans then become a $100 excuse to have plumber?s butt and g-strings, especially when they are worn with low-rise jeans, winched up high above the hips, they say only one thing: I?m into wedgies.

3. Back scratches

Again, men are simple creatures. We have very simple needs. Having our back scratched is a pastime for men. Some have moved on to more advanced techniques like the message, but back scratching is where it all began. It is a simple, convenient and energy-efficient way to give your man affection, requiring something as easy as a hand up the back of the shirt. It is good to do it on a regular basis, but woman can also save it for a reward.

2. Sex

With women, it?s all about attention, when a where they can get it. With men, it?s all about sex, when and where they can get it. As Billy Crystal said, women need a reason for sex, men need just a place.

I think men have been given a bad rap because of their obsession with it. Those who dwell on it are labeled as shallow and obnoxious. Suggesting it to a woman, let?s say in a bar, is almost always taken as an affront. However, once in a healthy relationship, this affront quickly becomes something therapeutic, almost medicinal for the very same women. This change in their perception of sex has always left me stumped. One minute sex is a cheap insult, the next it?s a saving grace.

Poor men. To assume women want it is to be sexist. To assume they don?t want it is to be oblivious and insensitive to their needs.

All in all, I can?t see what the problem is. Sex is good. Sex involves cooperation and teamwork. Sex, if done properly, is satisfying for all parties involved. Sex is something you can feel. In other words, it?s real.

What?s attention? Can you touch it? Can you see it? No. Does it satisfy all parties involved? No, it satisfies only the object. While sex is a two-way street, attention is always one. In fact attention never fully satisfies because women can never get enough of it. Attention isn?t real.

I think that a woman is shallower for chasing a self-serving illusion than a man is for chasing a mutually beneficial act. My advice to single women is not to be shallow and go for sex.

It?s the second most important thing to men. Sex with someone they are in love with is preferable. With a complete stranger? Well, that’s all right too.

1. Sense of humour

I used to have a friend who had a thing for Asian women. These relationships were, for the most part, were passionate but short-lived. The problem was not a cultural thing, but a language thing. He kept on having to explain his jokes, and she hers. One could say that only if they put a little more effort into it, the relationship would have worked. But then, what happens to a joke when it is over explained? Like the joke, I guess they both looked at each other and said: ah, forget it!

For guys, being able to make you laugh, and you being able to make them laugh, is the most important thing. A person’s sense of humour encompasses and pervades much about themselves: intellect, knowledge, wit, tastes. To have the same sense of humour with a person means that you can not only understand and care for a person, but most importantly you can “get” them. And when you get a person, you can love them. And love is what it?s all about, right?

I hope this puts the record straight.