My Birthday


As the Saturday of this past weekend marked my 29th year of being alive, I allowed myself to dwell upon the happenings and experiences of my life. I thought a lot. I felt good about myself. I felt sorry for myself. I decided that there were parts of my life that I am very proud of, such as my writing, my teaching, and all the travelling that I have done. I reluctantly pointed out to myself that there are parts of my life that I think could do with a great deal of improvement, such as the maintenance of the relationships with my family and friends, and the recuperation of my rather dismal financial situation. In others words: quit acting like a schmuck sometimes and get a handle on my spending so I can afford to live above ground, preferably in a place with windows and ceiling space. After balancing the pro’s and con’s of my nearly 3 decades of existence, I’ve come up with a few personal notes, a number of helpful suggestions that, I would like to think, could help the reader live a less painful, and perhaps a more pleasant life.

1. If you borrow somebody’s car, always fill the tank or at least put a little gas in it before you return it.

2. With every pay cheque, try to put a third to bills and expenses, a third to your savings, and a third to fun.

3. There is a fine line between abstract art and wallpaper.

4. If you are worried whether you can afford something or not, 90 percent of the time, you can’t.

5. To the women, especially those in university: just because a guy wants to sleep with you, does not mean that he is romantically interested in you in any particular way. Getting a guy into bed is easy part (especially after 6 beers); keeping him there the next morning is the challenge.

6. A video game is one of the few things where a person can invest the maximum amount of time and effort into a challenge to learn and accomplish absolutely nothing.

7. To the guys, especially those in university: quit trying to impress one another, and just be decent, for Christ’s sake. Besides, everyone knows the stories of your sexual exploits are mostly embellished BS.

8. Travel. Travel. Travel.

9. On perusing different lifestyles: you can go to the zoo, but don’t get into the cages.

10. Believe in yourself, believe in your dreams, and don’t let anyone try to convince to give up on either. Whenever you feel any doubts, remember: the word “passion” comes from a Latin word meaning “to suffer.” No ever said it would be easy.

11. Sexual “quickies” are the dipstick to any relationship. The more you have them, the healthier the relationship.

12. As Canadians, we should learn to cut back on the amount of times we say “sorry” by about 50%.

13. Always leave them wanting more.

14. Leaders are usually those who have the guts to make tough decisions.

15. And lastly, and often the hardest piece of advice to follow: if you say you’re going to do something, do it. Every time you don’t takes a little self-respect away from you.

Well guys, I hope this helps. Have a good workweek. And you can send “Happy Birthday” wishes to me via Latchkey.